HELLBLAZER #162
Lapdogs & Englishmen, Part 1 of 2
Writer : Brian Azzarello
Art : Guy Davis
Cover Artist : Tim Bradstreet
Colors : Lee Loughridge
Letters : Clem Robins
Editor : Tony Bedard
Issue synopsis written by J. White
Issue Synopsis : Somewhere in America, 2001
Continuing his journey into the heart of America, John Constantine walks his
way out of a local bus station. He begins to think philosophically about the
two schools in life regarding travel whilst preparing to enjoy another
cigarette. The first idea is that your destination is your focal point. The
place you go and what you see when you arrive. Dismissing this idea in his
own fashion he is suddenly confronted by a security officer who informs him
this is a nonsmoking building. John brushes him off declaring that a country
that holds freedom and equality so dearly hypocritically doesn't allow him
the right to smoke freely.
As he continues outside he begins to walk past a brick wall lined with
graffiti and adverts. Lighting up another cigarette he thinks of the second
school of travel. This being the rush you get from the twists, turns, and
"unexpected discoveries" that happen along the way. Naturally John has
chosen this school, and takes notice of a specific flyer of the queen's
mouth and eyes covered by the name of a band eloquently titled "Napalm
Fuckr".
London, 1978(?)
The setting is a local London club, packed with punk rockers. After a slight
too few to drink, John has to take the piss literally. With the bathroom
already occupied John informs his friend, Les, he'll be ready for another
round once he's made room for it. Having said that Les immediately nicks
John's chance for the urinal in once swift dive for the door and a
frustrated John turns to the window to "air it out". Outside a somewhat
recognizable couple have at it down in the alley as John prepares to piss.
Angered the man outside rains curses and threatens to kill whoever
interrupted his pleasure. Les and John run out of the bathroom in hysterical
laughter.
As John enjoys his next round as girl named Angie (not Spatchcock) arrives
at the bar informing Constantine's she's got something. Although, irritated
that she might ruin his evening with said news he plays along asking what
she indeed found. She, excitingly, tells his she's found a book containing
any and everyone's future. Amused by her tale John blows her off, telling
her that no book can do such a thing. Meanwhile a furious Chas arrives at
the bar banging his fists and cursing. John asks him if he's arranged the
meeting with the "Yank" as promised. Chas reassures him that he has, but is
more interested in getting his hands on the dirty bastard that pour water on
him in the middle of his shag. John and Les once again resume their
hysterical laughter as Chas remains confused and angered.
As Chas drives Les and John to their arranged meeting he begins to explain
to John. It seems the "Yank" is a man named Stanley and acquired information
on John through his already growing reputation. Les thinks he's heard their
Mucus Membrane album, but Chas dismisses the idea telling them that if he
did he wouldn't want to arrange the meeting. Chas explain that Stanley has
been turning a few stones for people involved in the weird shit, asking a
woman named Hoover Mary ("the bird with no teeth") who John Constantine was.
Hoover called Chas who then got in touch with Constantine and then arranged
the meeting with the pair. It's about this time the three arrive at
Stanley's.
As John approaches he's confronted by a guard asking if he's indeed John
Constantine. When John responds in his typical arrogant fashion, the guard
becomes hostile, ordering John to identify himself. Finally John cooperated,
letting the guard know it is indeed him as he's surprised at the somewhat
extreme (if not paranoid) actions of the guard. He is then immediately
searched and instructed to go inside.
Inside Stanley is going round for round on his punching bag. The two share
and introduction before John is offered some free beer which he happily
takes advantage of. John asks how Stanley found him and his only explanation
is that the two share "similar interests" (although it appears drinking is
not one of them). Stanley makes his motives clear - he wants to know the
future. John can't help but find it an odd coincidence and offers Stanley
the book that Angie spoke of earlier. Calling him on his own con, Stanley
tells John he's no novice and he wants - Rasputin's Clock. John seems quite
taken a back and questions whether or not Stanley knows what he's getting
into. Stanley believes the clock to be in London and John confirms that it
has since the end of World War II, but is more worried about the Arab that
is in possession of it. Seems John is actually scared this Arab could do
some real damage if he's caught trying to steal the clock. Stanley offers to
make it worth Constantine's wild, informing him that if there's one thing
certain about his future it's that he'll have more money than he can spend.
Hesitantly John agrees and asks him for a couple of days. John leaves to
Stanley toasting to the future.
Meanwhile...
Back at Angie's flat she's already making use of the future. She announces
the name "John Constantine" and opens the book. Her eyes widen at what she
begins to read.
Issue synopsis written by J. White
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The Land Of The Free ?
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Ah, the good old days.
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Constantine had a way with the ladies, even back then.
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The way to an Englishman's heart...
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Done deal.
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Angie gets an eyeful.
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